If time travel was possible...

I don't know if it's because memories are pouring through me like crazy, or just the caffeine that is coursing through my veins right now (and it's a lot) But I just don't feel like me right now. I found an old photo album the other day that held precious memories of me and my friends form 8th grade all the way to my senior year. The memories just poured back into my small brain all at once making tears come to my eyes. The ones I miss most are the ones that I have from when I was in marching band.

BAND:
Now there's some stories there. Like tossing a beach ball around the bus coming from Ron Jon's, or since it was storming outside a couple of guys were wearing girls skirts and bras stuffed with sicks. Or the way we hung out in the hot tub...These were the trips we took btw if you were like whoa wait a minute why were you in a hot tub? Well we would go to Myrtle Beach and then Orlando every other year. Well, I miss having practice every Wednesday night from 5-9 and then having a football game to attend and play halftime. I miss all of this. I miss seeing people I miss being around a group that I could talk randomly with I miss all of it. If i had a time machine I would go back, maybe say some stuff I should have said to some people. Maybe see how some relationships would work out. Anything as long as I got those memories back. Your probably wondering why I sound so depressing well my friends it's b/c I don't have a lot of friends that I'm around and I know I point that out but it's very true. I have a best friend who is getting married in 11 months. I grew up with this girl. I miss those times when it was me her and two others but it was always this girl who came out of no where when we moved into the house my dad now lives in. Let's call her Mary. Mary came down to my house and was like "hey you wanna be friends?" and boom been inseparable ever since. We would do soooo much together. Swim, go to school, walk barefoot around the whole neighborhood. I know this is going to sound horrible but yeah we would go around and collect money and act like we were doing a fundraiser..hey we were 12. I think my best memory was when we would go swimming at night with no lights on and then your brother snuck in without us knowing and when I touched his arm and said "gotcha" you were like umm no and we screamed lmao, oh man the times. Then there were times where we didn't talk. Like when the whole boy issue came up and what not but I won't get into that but I would like to get into when I was going through my phase of dark clothes and what not. I never really apologized for that, well here it is.
I'm sorry for the way I acted.
I'm sorry I never told you what was bothering me.
I'm sorry for acting weird.
I'm sorry I flipped you and the other two girls off for no apparent reason.
My explanation of this was when my parents were divorcing. I had so much on my shoulders that no one really knew how I felt. I was angry, sad, confused, and just didn't know how to act. I didn't have any help during this process either. I was left to sit and figure everything out for myself. BUT I do wanna say thank you for always being there no matter what. Thank you for always wanting to help me. Thank you for being my best friend and still talk to me when everyone moved away. Thank you for not judging me when I know I should have been. Thank you for sticking up for me always. Thank you.

Now onto other stuff down memory lane. My parents. Not going to go too deep but I will talk about when I thought everything was perfect. I remember going to sock hops, yes sock hops, when I was in grade school. My dad made these awesome socks with Christmas lights in them. I was talk of the whole dance I even won first place. Then during another one my mom made me a flower garden with the butterflies sticking out. I won first place again. My parents to my surprise were crafty as anything.


DAD:
My dad would make wooden swords for my brother and one for me when I was taking acting classes one summer, it was awesome. He made me this skirt..

It was a father daughter dance that was 50's themed and he made it. As in measured me, cut the fabric, sewed it and everything. I actually owned the shoes believe it or not. My mom wasn't into fashion like she kinda is now. If I found shoes I loved she would buy them for me. Since I started with my dad I'll hurry and finish. I was never a girly girl when I was little, oh no! I mad mud pies outside, laid in the grass, played softball (until I puked that one time and that was it) ran around and got all sweaty. I didn't care how I looked until I got older. My dad would take me and my two brothers fishing, crabbing, I really miss going to Solomon's Island and crab the old fashioned way with a chicken neck and string. Yeah nothing girly about any of that. but most of you are probably like nah you were just being a kid, and I probably was but this is how I look at it so boo to you! Now to my mom.



MOM:

We never got along until maybe I was in my late teens. The reason I just found this out was because my parents had me late. My mom was 34 when she had me, that might not seem late to some but if you think about it when I was 13 she was 47. We were both going through a "change" I went through puberty when I I was in 7th grade which would make me 11 or 12 but still, my mom was going through menopause at the same time. Now think about that for a second. Two females going through hormone changes. Both raving bitch's. Both not giving a shit weather we hurt someones feelings and what not. It was bad. But I do remember mom letting me lay my head on her belly and watch TV with her. I remember jumping into the pool with all my clothes on and she got mad but couldn't help but laugh at that one time. Now that I'm going to be 25 this year and my mom being very close to 60 scares me. Sure she's the healthiest older woman that her doctor has ever seen but you never know when someone can be plucked from your life. Me and my mom now have one of the best relationships I could ever ask for. We go shopping, talk about stuff, especially about her parents and how her and her mom didn't have a relationship until she was in her 30's or 40's. Yeah according to my brother she might seem to have lost her mid sometimes but all I can do is laugh. You know what still makes me laugh? It was the night before I started 7th grade and I saw I was having my first period (yes I'm going to get personal here so turn your head or scroll down) anyway, I approached her what was going on and she was like "Okay well, I guess I should show you what you need to do." I followed her into the bathroom and she showed me how to use a pad then after I said I understood she said "Are you sure it's your period and it's not you bleeding from your but?" (I'm giggling to myself right now b/c it's that funny) But I will always remember that. 

 

KEVIN:

My little brother. Whats there to say that I haven't said already? For those of you if you haven't read my post on my stories side you should read it. It's called coming out...the other side to the confession. Well for those that did congratulations you know him and you should get to know him better.Me and Kev never got along either until we were older and i understood what was going inside of his crazy head. We would fight, I'm talking slamming doors, screaming calling each other names, it was bad. But I have to say I do have some really good memories too. Like playing teacher at the old house. Or letting me paint your toe nails that one time, that was funny. Pink glitter and all. Then when we got older and moved with mom and I would wake up before you and I would hear the boom boom boom of your feet hitting the stairs, I smiled because I knew we would talk about random stuff. Jeez, I'm crying now because I miss that. I miss playing video games with you, and jamming out to music I would never listen too but now I do because you showed it to me. When we lost Walter I knew that it could happen to us too out of no where and I saw that I needed to be the big sister that you needed and be there for you. These pictures up there have so music meaning to me. I still have all the random ones that we took one day before I left for work one night and I smile every time I see them. how crazy we were and how far we are now, well distance wise even if you are almost an hour away but you catch my drift. My brother has been to hell and back maybe a few more times then others and he always comes out strong. like I said go read that story and you'll see.

 

WALTER:

Oh jeez, this kid. The one I always talk about. We lost him in October of 2009. If the name sounds familiar it's b/c when he passed everyone made sure everyone else knew about it. He passed from swine flu and and a staph infection to the lungs...enough of the bad stuff onto the goodness that was this kid. He was the liveliest person I knew. He could make any bad situation fun. I thank him everyday b/c he helped my brother out more then once and I love him for it. He would come over our house and just watch Glee with me and Kev or play rock band and guitar hero. I remember when i still had my old Ford explorer and we went through a car wash and as a joke I cracked the window and sadly since that was a piece of shit truck the window never went back up so he soaked and screamed like a little girl when the water came to his side. Oh god was that funny. I also remember when we would go to chick fil a and talk about how awesome chick fil a was and how good the chick fil a sauce was. I sure do miss you buddy. Especially when we worked at the movie theater and you would say the Dane Cook line "Enjoy your cinematic adventure!" I love you, miss you always and your memory will never die even though you are gone.

 

 

Well there ya have it, if I had a time machine I would go back and visit all of these beautiful memories and all the beautiful people in it. I didn't post anything about my Friend "MARY" because I wasn't sure how she would feel if I used a picture of her on here, so sorry. But these are my memories and I love them all. There is so much more but these are the ones that remind me of all the people I knew and know. I might have lost some in the process but I'm ok.

 

Fake

This post might take me all day to finsih so if it's kind of scattered, pardon me. I wish I had a youtube channel so I can do what Jenna Marbles does but I don't know anyhting about editing and it would look pretty stupid and low if I copied her. Anyway this post is about fake people. Mostly fake friends. I just rehased a friendship with someone who we have always been back and forth since middle school and even dated twice in high school but both decided to leave it at that. A friendship. We have had our differences in tha past and when we graduated never saw each other again. Well after a few years maybe back in 2009 I sat at their house for 3 hours. 3 fucking hours! Talking about what we were doing and just hanging out. You know what friends do and we told each other that we hated the same poeple and all the cause is drama. Then going to a benifit for a late friend of mine these supposed people found out I was tlaking shit. I was like whoa what the fuck?! Me talking shit? You talked shit too but now your making it to where I was talking shit but we were both talking shit but now I'm the one talking shit. They got pissed and we never talked again. Then out of the blue I accept a facebook friend request and I didn't care it's been 4 years since that incident and we both grown up since then right? WRONG! We exchanged messages and what not and how I only have a small amount of friends and yada yada yada and they promised not to push me away and just talk to me. One full fucking day is what I got. The next day I got one word answers and what not. Nothing like what we were tlkaing about the night before nothing. I got "ok" and "yeah" and just nothing like they didn't even want ot talk to me. So this morning when I leave for work I had a text message saying good morning. When I saw that I'm like oh so now you can talk to me? I don't fucking think so bud. I gave them a hi and after getting how are you I just sent what I was doing and then a repsonse that said well I'll text ya later. I just shook my head and deleted my text's. The more I looked at them the more fucrious I got. How can a person say all of this SHIT and just comepletly change on me? I said I needed a friend to talk to and I get treated like I'm nothing. It hurts. I can sit here and say I'm a strong person but deep down inside I hurt. I'm hurt that I don't have the close relationship with some of my friends like I used to. Maybe that other person was right and everyone around me grew up without me. Maybe I am just left in the past with memories watching as everyone else moves on and lives their grown up lives. I don't have a lot of gornw up friends. Tamara if your reading this you know I love you and am very glad I met you. I am happy that me and you can have some what grown up talks. I love that fact that I can talk about high school with you because you just graduated and I miss that. I miss having friends. I never went to me senior week and I kind of regret it but I could see I was going to be the party pooper. I can imagine my life through yours. I love you girl and I really hope and pray that we sill stay friends for the longest time. Also I can't wait to go to coldstone lol.....anyway back to what I was saying about Fake people. Fake people are the reason why there is so much hate in this world. The more you pretend about something the more fake it will become. Who wants their world plastic?  I have been burned one too many times and I didn't think I would be again. odn't sit there and have me pour my heart out ot you and then just act like it never mattered. don't feed me lines about all this bullshit and then act like nothing was said. Like you said you're going to be 26 next year. Grow the fuck up! Either talk to me like a fucking friend or move the fuck along and don't ever tlak to me again.

end rant!

SUCK IT!

So I basically got told yesterday to Suck It, without actually being told to Suck It. What I mean is someone from my past came in my store after not talking or seeing each other in years, maybe about 4, and we were just talking about how our life was going and when I found out this person is having a baby, I made a comment like "Damn everyone around me is either getting married or having kids." Which then led to him saying "Well maybe that just shows they've grown up." That was it, that one comment felt like the biggest slap in the face. Really? Seriously? I was being nice. Maybe I'm over exaggerating but still, when I told two other people about what the comment was they both said wow that was a bit harsh. So yes, I was told to Suck It without being told to Suck It. Thank you MR. I-Have-A-Great-Life. Well let me fill you in on a little bit here. Yes I am living in a house where my boyfriends other family members don't know I'm there. Yes I am still struggling with money, Yes I want to live with my mom again. No, I'm not paying rent and the regular bills you have to pay to live somewhere, but this is all the whys on what's going on. I chose to live with Pat and his uncle's because I didn't have to deal with people stomping around above me when they know I'm sleeping. I love Pat, so when he told me his uncles didn't care if I stayed there and he wanted me and him to stay in the same bed I hopped on that wagon. Have I complained a lot since I have been there, hell yes, but who wouldn't. Everyone needs their own space BUT what I am happy about is that we lived together before starting a real life together. We know what sets us off, we know who does what in the house, we know what we are like around each other 24/7. I recommend this to any couple before you take the next step. I look at it this way, if me and him never lived together like we do now where we don't pay rent and shovel out all of this money on a place and we ended up hating each other, then we would be stuck in debt. Paying for something we wouldn't be able to back out of. One would leave the relationship and the other would be stuck with whatever was left. It was be a disaster. To be honest, I think this is what some call tough love. You never know how much a person can drive you insane until you stay in one room, not a whole house, one room together for 3 years and you tell me how that is. This really tested our relationship and I think it made us stronger as a couple. So no to the people that look at us like we need to grow up, we don't have a house or apartment but we have each other. We have jobs that we love (Well maybe me, he's still figuring out what he wants to do) we have cars and families who love us (more mine than his) So no we are not getting married just yet, we aren't even engaged, and no we are not having babies just yet (even though he wants just as bad as me) we know we need to work on us first. We have a plan and i want to stick to it. The more I talk about this, and how much that comment really bothered me, I'm realizing, I'm happy as I am right now. I'm happy I don't have a burden of a house or big bills to worry about now. I'm happy I don't have another mouth to feed and worry how we are going to get by. I'm happy that and proud that me and Pat have gotten as far as we are. I have a brand new car and so does he. It takes baby steps to get to the big picture. I was always told to appreciate the small things in life, get dirty, make mistakes than learn from them and you know what? I have. So for the people who think their life is better than mine SUCK IT! To the people who say they have grown up SUCK IT! To the ones who say their happy and really not SUCK IT! You see my new car? SUCK IT! You see how happy I am SUCK IT! You see this smile on my face? You wish you could SUCK IT!

Pet Peeves Part 2

Well I only got a few of them out of the way last time. I'm in a good mood today but there is just some other things that bug me let's get it over with shall we?

1.) Slow drivers. I'm not a speed demon but I have a heavy foot sometimes and people who don't even go the speed limit tick me off. If the limit if at least 55 then you can go 60, but no what do you do? You slow down to like 40 then when I pass you looking at you like WTF WHY? Then you flick me off like I'm the one who's a dick. SERIOUSLY?

2.) Drivers who want to make a turn. Let's say like this morning, there is a huge area where you can turn right into one of the buildings around here and the area you enter in is so freaking big 3 cars can turn at the same time, but now, what do you do? You take the widest turn I have ever seen and do it so freaking slow. I'm yelling turn the wheel!! You act like you're going to hit the curb. Really? You were like 6 feet away from hitting anything, you can speed the whole way but then turn so god awful slowly into where you need to go.

3.) Immature grown adults. Okay this one you might look at me like "Well your the same way." What I mean is my part time job I work at a Spencer's gifts and yes we sell a lot of stuff that some people don't like b/c it's more adult oriented BUT this is what bothers me. I am 24 years old and yes my mind can slip into the gutter all the time but I don't sound immature about it. Whenever a group of guys who look about 22 or so go over and grab the VIBRATORS then put it into each others faces and say "haha he had a penis in his face" or "Hey dude you wanna a dildo?" Whenever I or any of my co-workers hear this, we roll our eyes b/c it's like really? Your old enough to know what it is and not act like you so naive, or just plain stupid.

4.) That's another thing ^^ we do not sell dildo's, they are called personal massagers and yes at least 3 or 4 of them look like a penis but there is a HUGE difference. Dildo's just sit there and they are not legally to be sold from a regular open to the public stores, they are only to be sold in sex shops. Now the personal massager or vibrators are just that, they vibrate. Nothing else. You can go to Walmart, Walgreen's wherever they have a family planning section and you can get a little one, even the trojen stuff. That stuff can be sold at open to the public store.

5.) Also referring to the last two, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT call is disgusting and say you will keep your kids away form a store like ours. First of all, it's safe sex. I think I would much rather have a kid who pleases them self safely with a "toy" then some male/female who either have a disease or are whores. Plus there is nothing wrong with self pleasuring.

6.) Now this one you might think I'm a hypocrite b/c of number 5. Yes I said it's safe sex, but also I will not teach abstinence to my kids. If you push and push towards kids that no don't have sex, it's bad and blah blah blah, no that leads to un-wanted pregnancies, and just a whole bunch of mess. You can teach them that yes, it's okay to have sex when you're ready, don't rush it and tell them the importance of wearing a condom or being on birth control. There is a right way to do everything.

(I see this post is more about sex then pet peeves. Sorry.)

7.) This one is about religion. I have stated over the past years to never throw religion in any ones faces. When the whole same sex marriage was starting to take off I noticed some of my facebook friends posting hate stuff like "it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Seriously? What are you 12? So what I did was delete those people and posted if you're going to post hate on there and what not delete me. Then someone commented that they have gay friends and love them for who they are but don't support it I said it's okay, she went on how she looks at the bible and what not then someone else posted that the bible is a lie and started talking about paganism. Saying it's a copy cat and blah blah blah. That person is no longer on my friends list. After I asked don't spread hate look what happens, someone took a situation and went wild with it.

8.) After all the shootings in Colorado, Connecticut and Boston I'm getting really tired of people posting bogus photos saying it was all fake. Fine, how about you put yourself in a dead persons shoes or someone who lost a loved one in one of these acts then what? You'll be saying no it really happened. How many people does it take to get it through your head that these acts happened? That's just like saying Hitler never happened, or 9/11 ever even existed. You people are the reason why there is hate in the world. You sit there on your asses probably not even working so you sit at the computer all day looking at fake photos that someone else made just so they can start something. GET A FUCKING LIFE!! GET A JOB, AND LEAVE INNOCENT PEOPLE THE FUCK ALONE!!

9.) People saying they have no money but then they pull out a fifty dollar bill. What the hell really? Some people I notice will sit there and watch as other people eat and say "yeah man, I don't have lunch b/c I don't have any money." BUT they go to a gas station and buy a whole thing of cigarettes. Pat went to a 7-11 and a lady was talking about him saying yeah man I have no money to feed my kids but then bought a whole CARTON, not a box, a CARTON of cigs. Really? You deserve mother of the year.

10.) Talking about parents, what the hell is up with some of the parents these days? I had a mom who brought in her kids, a son and daughter, looked no older than 10 and 11 and the brother was talking about his sister saying she doesn't like him and what not then called her a bitch. The mom didn't say anything until I looked at her and then she said was like HEY, don't call your sister that. I could tell she didn't give a shit but because I looked at her she said something. No wonder when this generation is called the generation of ME. They don't know how to sign their signature, they use the slang like crazy. They don't believe in reading or writing. Cellphone this cellphones that, ipad here, I get it it's supposed to help but hey how did all these older people get so successful without them? Ever wonder that?

11.) There was a man years and years ago when Cactus Willie's used to be in Glen Burnie, and me and my mother were in line to be seated when a little boy age 8 maybe with his parents were in front of us. The boy was reading a book. I'm talking about a think book, like Harry Potter thick and all he was doing was minding his own business. Well after standing in line the father looks over to the son and says "We can't take you anywhere with out you bringing that stupid book.: I will never forget the look on my mother's face when she heard that. If my mom has an opinion she will say it. She said "well at least he's reading ant not playing video games." YOU GO MOM!

Well, this is all I can think of. I would have to ask my friend Tamara when we work together what she has so I can add on.

Update on life...sorta

Well, it just seems my life is on hold at the moment. There's stuff I want to do but can't because I have to pay back person money before I can do anything and it's really getting to me. I can't save up for a trip, I can't save up to get me the hell out of a house I don't want to be in anymore, it's just so frustrating that here I am 25, well no 24, I'll be 25 in November and I'm still living in a place where I can't have my own space to do anything. Don't get me wrong, I love Pat but like I said in another post it's just very claustrophobic and I need to branch out. I'm hoping our trip to The Outer Banks in July will help relieve the stress I have been feeling. Some might say "Oh what stress? You’re at a desk all day yada yada yada." Ook you have to understand even though I sit down all day I still have a fear of messing up. Yes I have made mistakes and admitted to them. Also I talked to a friend I haven't talked to since 2009 when a friend of mine passed away. He is the brother of an ex and some of you are probably like oh no bad taboo, ok get over it. Yes me and my ex lost touch and haven't talked to each other since then and I hate to say it but I kind of regret not staying friends with him. He was a cool guy to hang with and we had the same taste in some stuff. Now if Pat your reading this don't go and get all pissed, I'm just saying I miss certain friends. My life has changed not dramatically but just some. I lost friends and gained some. I miss going out and hanging with people and getting to know someone new. I miss playing video games with my brother, especially when we played Portal 2 for a week straight. I miss going camping, I miss seeing family I haven't seen in years. I miss being a kid and not having to worry about how I'm going to make it through the next day. I miss living with my mom and smelling her cooking. Whenever I have a chance to go home and stay in her room I take in her scent so I know what she smells like. You never know someone will be taken away from you and even though she is the healthiest 58 year old the doc has ever seen you still never know. I miss high school, senior year only. I miss sitting in class and learning something that I think I won't need when really I freaking need it. I missed my time to go to college when I wanted to but I think I got scared and didn't go, now that I'm too busy I won't want to go back until it's too late....I love that me and my high school sweetheart found each other again. I love that I made new friends at both of my jobs. I love that I have two great jobs I love. I love that my brother finally found happiness. I love that my grandfather lived his life to the fullest and he saw 5 great-grand kids come into this world. I love that him and my grandmother are finally back together and watching over my family. I love that I have my own car in my own name, yes I needed a co-signer but who’s making payments? ME! I love that me and my mom have had a good relationship since I was 17. She always talks about how she never had one with her mom until she was in her late thirties; I never want that to happen to me and my mom. I love the fact that as I type this out I’m about to cry because I'm realizing how good I have it even if it's not perfect. Life doesn't have to be perfect as long as your happy....Now instead of looking back at the things I should have done I can look forward to a future I'm sure will have lots of up's and downs. This post has turned a little bi-polar lol, but you know what? I'm happy.