Living

Typing.

Backspacing.

Type again. 

Back space again. 

This is what I have done in the last hour. This is going to be a hard post to write because it isn't about me. And although I love myself, someone who is so dear to my heart, doesn't. I won't go into details but I need to say this. Don't ever think you can't talk to someone about what is going on in your life. Or your head. I got a text from a very, very special person this morning. They...almost ended their life last night. The one thought that ran through my head was, and I quote the exact words I said as I ran out to my car. "What the fuck is going on?" I still have no words for how I feel. I mean I feel sad, but I'm also feeling...anger. Not anger towards them, no. I could never be angry at them. I could never be mad at them. I'm angry because there seems to be no help for the mentally ill. I'm mad that there isn't enough help available for people who feel they need to end their life. I'm mad that...I haven't been there for you. I'm so, so sorry. I've been trying to find the words to say but it's hard. Like now, I've had 4 different versions of this post and have deleted it all and started over and over again. A part of me has wanted to just say forget it and don't post anything, but I can't. Here is a personal note from me to you. It's easier for me to write it down than it is for me to talk it out.

Dear You,

You are fucking special! You have a purpose in this world. I could never be mad at you. I could never yell at you for being selfish. If anything I praise you. You are at a constant battle with your mind everyday and still manage to get yourself out of bed and go to work, or school. You might have had one weak moment, but guess what? You're still breathing. You're still walking the earth. You're fucking alive! I don't want to hear that you're sorry. Do not apologize to me. If anything I need to apologize to you. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you really needed someone to talk to. I'm sorry for not checking in with you. I'm sorry I haven't made an effort to be around you. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry that you feel that you can't talk to me. I'm also sorry that you have some shitty people around you, telling you to "Get over it" "Smile" "Some have it worse than you"

Hear is my advice. Fuck them! Cut them out of your life. My heart is hurting so bad because you almost chose a path I cannot follow you down. I am sad because I almost lost another friend. 

You are an amazing person. Notice I said ARE and not WAS. You're still here. I know you're not fine. You're not okay, you're not even great but you are ALIVE. Know I am here now. I have heard your pleas and cries. I have seen that mental illness is nothing to be messed with. If you need a shoulder to cry on, wet it with your tears. If you need someone to scream at, take it out on me. You need someone to just hold you, my arms are always open. 

I want you to make a promise to me. Promise that when you feel you are about to break, call me. Text me. Find me. Just tell me and i'll be there. I can help. And since this isn't a note I'm passing in class to a classmate I can do this.

This song has reminded me that there is more to life than the darkness of depression. It's rmeinded me to live. I want you to live.

Love you forever and always,

Jamie

Empty

A lot have been asking why my posts haven been sad lately. Well the truth is, I haven't seen or spoken to my mom is four weeks. The reason...well I really don't know. I have thought this through and through but there is no answer. I won't go into detail but it really was something so silly that I can't believe a solution hasn't been brought forward. Don't think I haven't made an effort, I have. Mother's day I waited at her house with flowers and a card, I even called her and left a message, but the longer I stayed the more my heart ached. I placed the flowers in a vase and drove back home with tears streaming down my face. Since that day, I haven't gotten a thank you or a call. Just radio silence. Pieces of my heart started to break because this was the first mothers day since I was born, that I haven't been with her. As the days go on my hearts breaks more and more. The hall where I'm having my wedding reception will be calling to book the date and I realize, I have to do this without my mother. I will probably have to do a lot without her planning my wedding and helping me financially. I broke down so hard on Saturday night I almost gave myself a panic attack. Now some of you think, "why can't you just save up?" well you see, I have always lived paycheck to paycheck. I don't have "extra" money. If I'm left with anything it's no more than $20. Which covers gas, if that. I keep seeing all the things that are supposed to be filled with happiness, like trying on my wedding dress, finding the veil and shoes to go with it, is now filled with sadness. I have people who will go with me, but there is no feeling finding that "perfect" dress and hugging your mom because this day is going to be special. I don't see this happening. I've made my move, it's her turn, and I feel it won't happen anytime soon. It's bad enough I don't see or talk to the other part of the family since Christmas of 2013. I feel as I have a broken family and I don't know where I belong. Everyday feels like a struggle. A struggle to keep a straight face. A struggle to keep a smile. A struggle to not cry. A struggle to stay positive. The only happiness I have going on is Bill and his amazing family. They make me laugh when I need it, and I am so grateful for them. But, it still isn't the same as having a mothers arms wrap around you and tell you she loves you. It's an empty void that no one else can fill.

This mothers day made me think, "Is this what others feel like when their mothers pass?" even though mine is still living? I just feel lost and don't know what to do and I can't keep putting myself out there to be shot down. Some might be looking at this like "you must have done something wrong, just keep thinking," no you don't understand, Bill was there for the whole conversation and he can't even see what the problem was. My brain hurts and my stomach is in knots.

I hope that this explains at least some insight to how I've been acting, or not showing much interest in things. Just know I am OK in a sense of just being alive and having the little bit of family that still talks to me and friends for days. I love each and every one of you guys! It's just hard right now and until something else happens, I will be in a funk.

Love and smiles,
Jamie

Would you like a scrambled brain with that?

I might not be the only one who thinks this but, do you ever wonder if we grew up too quick? I think back to when I was younger and wished to be older because it seemed like the grown ups had life made. Boy was I wrong! I remember being in the car and arguing with my dad about going home early from the Science center because I had homework and my older brother looking at me because I was screaming like a banshee that "I can't wait to be grown up so I can be president and do away with school and homework!" Ok little Jamie, don't get a head of yourself. I think about the times I would spin myself on any swing I could get to. Especially the one at my grandparents house. It was a hammock like swing that I would twist so tight and high until my feet couldn't touch the ground. I think I did it because I knew the release it would send my mind into. if I had a bad week at school I would look forward to going to that swing. Once I knew it was tight enough, I would tuck my feet under me and let go. I would spin round and round, releasing all the built up stress. I would let the tickling sensation in my belly just take over. I just got Goosebumps as I reminisce on this experience. I miss the random fishing trips my dad would take us on, Sandy Point and Solomons Island are the ones I miss most. Some of the places I don't remember the names of but I know the scenery in my head.  remembering buying a pair of roller blades from a couple that was moving and I would use them every day just to be outside. I remember falling so hard one time, I thought I wouldn't be able to get up.

These times make me cry because I did have such a good childhood and I regret wanting to grow up so quick. I lost friends, made new ones, discovered what love was, or at least the thought of it. I look at the same picture of me and my dad from the father daughter 50's dance everyday. I know I mention this a lot but that was one of the times I wish I stayed young. there's even a picture of me eating raw pumpkin on our front porch and I just laugh because I was sick for a straight week after that. These moments and memories just make me miss my youth. No one tells a child how hard it will be when you get older. No one really tells you about your first period until it's the night before your first day of seventh grade and that the large pads are the only option right now. No one said that kids could be so mean as we go through stages of schooling. No one tells you about the kids who bully you know will have a shitty life later on and that everything they said to you meant nothing. No, you see a child playing in a sand box and all you wanna do is think, wow, to be that age again. I guess I can't say that I wanted a different life because I did. Hell, I got diaries about me wanting a different family, but I was dealt this hand. I was given this family, though broken in some areas but I love them. I'm about to take on another family with the love of my life. Oh yeah, the love of my life. If some of you don't know, Me and Bill are getting married!! It happened in September, and no there really is no official date. The funds just aren't there but he doesn't want to wait that long which puts me under pressure because I want the dress, the experience and the whole party, but money is what makes the world go round. I'm told to just relax right now and don't worry about it, everything will come into play but it's a year and 4 months from the date I mentally set.

Alright, I won't leave this on a negative note, that's just how my brain works, hence the title. But I will say this, don't let anyone ruin your day. You woke up, went to work and breathed. Your alive and be happy for that.

21 years and counting...

21 years. It's been that long since me and my very best friend April have been friends. When I turned three in 1991 is when my life took off. My mom was about to have my baby brother Kevin in January of 1992 and when she did I was a proud big sister. I loved my little brother but we had to share my room since we lived in a small 2 bedroom townhome, so the search for a house began. I turned four in November of that year and was just finishing up in pre-k at the YMCA when my parents found the perfect place in Linthicum. The summer of 1993 was when we moved into the new house. I remember walking through the huge living room with the weird wall paper and hard wooden floors. My dad took me upstairs and asked which room would I like and I picked the front one that faced the street. I was still little and didn't think much of friends. I left behind a girl I knew for only a little while, I think her name was Britney, but I'm not quite sure. A few days passed as my aunt lived the next street over so I had a pool to dive in to so I wasn't just sitting around while my dad worked on the house. One day I heard a knock at the door and heard my mom answer it.

Mom-"Well hi there. Can I help you?"

Little Girl-"Hello. I saw you had a little girl here, can she come out and play?"

Mom-"Sure. Jamie!" My mom yelled for me and when I get to the door I see a girl who was my height, skinny with brown hair.

Little Girl-"Hi my names April. Your mom said you can come out and play."

That day me and April played in the back yard and talked about where I came from. The first conversation is a blur because I just remember Kevin running into the street and my mom having a fit so a fence was put up (lol)

The Elementary school was straight up our road so we were always together which made it better for me since I never really had any friends. I remember being in 2nd grade and I got mad at her because she started being friends with other kids. I told her she was my best friend and no one else's but her reply was "I can have as many friends as I want, but you are always my best friend. You can have more friends too" My brain was a little slow and since I didn't have any friends besides her I didn't know that you can have more then one. I learned. We never had the same friends in life. Ever. She was more popular then me, mostly because she wore better clothes then me and her hair was always brushed better then mine. I threw a fit every morning when my mom would come at me with a brush because my hair was such a mess. But me and April always stayed close.  Her family was like my second family. I was over almost everyday since we were in walking distance from each other. I remember her mom calling us butt buddies because we were together so much. Fast forward to middle school. Middle school was hard for me because one, I found out my parents weren't together anymore and it took it's toll on me. Also that is when the worst mistake would end something that I loved. Basically I broke the number one rule in the best friend handbook. Letting a boy get in between us. I remember the walk down to the counselors office, wondering why I was being called in and there was April. Looking pissed and sad. I tried explaining my side of the story but she wasn't having it. The words that came out of her mouth crushed my world around me. She told me she never wants to see me, talk to me and forget we were ever friends. It was the worst break up I have ever gone through. I sat in the chair for at least 30 minutes after she got up and left. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I felt like crap afterwards and kept thinking what was to happen. Everyday when we got off the bus I would just walk by her house and start crying. I was devastated and made me feel even worse. I couldn't talk to my parents about it because during the day I really didn't have anyone.

Days passed until she approached me and said she now understands what happened, that the boy should have been the blame and not me. We made up and I was happy again. 8th grade was fun, I got to go to the Outer Banks for the first time with her family. I had the time of my life while we were there, even if she did have walking Pneumonia. Then one day at lunch this kid approached me like always and asked for lunch money, only this time he got aggressive. He grabbed me and demanded I give him my money, next thing I know April steps in, and pushes him away from me and said "Don't you ever put your hands on her!" She came with me to fill out a slip to the counselors office. We didn't hear anything about it until days later and they tried to suspend both April and the kid who tried taking my money. I never told my mom what happened because to me I was scared. I mean I wasn't beat up but again my brain didn't understand...don't think I was on drugs as a kid I just didn't understand a lot and thought that things would fix themselves....Anyway that same day April's mom called my mom and all of us went to the school to find out what happened and they still wanted to suspend April because she put her hands on another student, well it was a surprise to the vice principle because her mom brought a cop with her who said it was in defense to someone who couldn't defend themselves. The boy was suspended and April got to go on the trip the 8th grade was taking. Thank you Mrs. Cathy for the cop!!

April has been around some weird stuff in my house. First the guy going into my house and we thought it was one of Kevin's friends. Samantha running away from the yard and we took a trip on the Lightrail to make copies of a poster, breaking her nose when we were on the swings in the back yard, hitting her head on the edge of my tv when we used to jump form the bunk beds. Weird, I tell ya! High school came and went. Nothing really eventful except we both had guys in and out of our lives. My dad got me a go-kart and we would spend all day trying to get it to run right and race around the yard. I had band most of the time and I started working at the movie theatre after I heard she was working there.

Now one thing I do remember at Hoyts was when we got into the whipped cream fight. Oh god it was hard getting that out of our hair!

Here is a list of random crap that I know happened without going into detail through our lives:

• Taking night walks with her mom and one time a guy was following us. That was my first ride in a cop car.
• Doing a rain dance around the tree in her front yard with Chelsea and Amanda. (It rained so hard after that)
• Being chased up our street by the rain.
• Asking can I still use the bathroom during a bad thunderstorm and her mom laughing at me cuz I might shock my butt. LOL
• Walking around the neighborhood barefoot...everywhere.
• Walking to Checkers
• Going sledding every time it snowed at the park.
• Sneaking and taking my dads cigarettes...sorry dad!
• Also drinking whenever we could find someone to get us something.
• Taking another night walk and someone tipped the port-a-potty at the park.
• Just going to the park in general.
• Swimming in her pool with no lights on.
• Camping in the back yard.
• Having purple feet because the berry tree that was in their backyard.

Now here it is, 2014. On June 6th at 5pm, I get to walk down the aisle at my very best friends wedding. I get to see her marry one of the greatest guys I could ever ask for her. Chris was there to pick her up when she wanted to give up and just did not care about herself like we cared about her. She has gone through so much in her life and I am so happy. So. Happy. She can make this next big step that every girl dreams of. Even though we both moved far away we still have that special bond that no one can replace. You don't have to talk to someone everyday or see them. You just know. I was one of the first people to know she was proposed to. I was the one who went up to the hospital and saw her when she didn't want anyone to come see her. I had too. My heart broke when something was wrong. I would want her to do that same thing for me.

So there it is. Might not be much but so what? We still have all the memories, and there's plenty more to come. I love you April, you were my first sister that I felt touched my heart like no other. I cannot wait to watch you make the next milestone in your life.

Love forever and always,
Jams

The dark cloud I call my Anxiety

OK so, over the past 3 months I have noticed that there is something very wrong going on in my brain. I didn't really notice anything until the whole fiasco that happened on Christmas Eve. Well the thing is, there is stuff that seems to be getting to me, even if it's the most smallest of things. I read an article that a Facebook friend posted about understanding Anxiety in pictures. I'll post the link at the end. And it really helped me. Now some probably ask why not go to a doctor and get a prescription? Well I don't want to be medicated. I don't want to be the one that takes it and then it gets worse, doesn't go away or I'm a zombie. No. I enjoy my life. Yeah I will never know if I don't try but I don't want too. My most recent break down was Tuesday. I have a function to go to in a few months and I'm happy but the problem is I have no money to do anything. I keep thinking to myself, how am I going to pay my bills and stay out of debt if I have to buy this, and that and that over there? I mean it's frustrating. The things kept piling on and on and on. My wonderful man of a boyfriend came over to me while still at work and saw the expression on my face. He knows something's wrong just by looking at me. He asked what was wrong and I just told him that I can't afford to just live and do this and still have a life, his response was to get out of my head and don't worry about it. Well, you cannot not worry about it. I'm trying to pay my car payment and insurance, internet, 2 cell phones and buying over $150 worth of groceries every 2 weeks. I've even considered getting a third job just so I have extra money. I was even given the opinion on getting a different full time job...well you see, I need certain days off right now and if I quit now and get a new job, you can't put in any vacation time until 6 months to a year, so that option is flying out the window fast. So there's how I get pushed to the edge. After work on Tuesday I ran to my car turned on my radio and put on my sunglasses. I was a snotty mess when I pulled up at my house. Didn't help that I was alone for a good hour. I needed someone there to calm me, but then again I didn't want anyone there because I didn't want to embarrass myself.

In the link I'm going to attach, it shows how people offer help and say they will always be there, then it shows after dealing with the problem 4 or 5 times they change their mind and just say to "get over it!" I got a bit of information for you, WE CAN'T JUST GET OVER IT! The problem either needs to run its course or be fixed IF possible. Believe me I've seen it up close to where people say "yeah I'm all for helping, but if you keep bitching and complaining then I'm going to tell you to shut up and move on." I used to be one of these people until I got a dose of it. And let me tell you, it's not nice at all. It's quite selfish. Now if you're saying "Oh my god how will I live without him/her?" or "I'm worthless" and all you want is people to feel sorry for you then you my friend are a selfish piece of shit! You are making the people who really do have a problem, seem like whiners and also make people like me think they can't go to a person for help.

After I came home and curled up on the recliner and just cried until I couldn't cry anymore (also hyperventilate) I calmed down and sank into sleep. Now just because I was asleep didn't mean that my mind was done racing around and trying to figure everything out, it definitely wasn't. No. My brain still swam with worry and different scenarios of what might happen if I don't do this and that. I'm not a very heavy sleeper and when I heard the door shut I knew Bill was home, but I didn't want him to know that my feelings got the best of me, so I stayed "asleep". I heard him put his work stuff down, put his keys and wallet away and make his way to me. I could feel him staring at me. Then I felt his lips against my forehead and heard him whisper "I love you." That right there was all I needed to make my mind stop racing. Just that little gesture was all. Now don't think "well if all you needed was a kiss and an I love you, you can get that anytime of the day" Yes I can BUT when you have anxiety, you get the feeling that no one wants to help. Bill really didn't know I came home and broke down. He will now if and when he reads this. I'm going to also attach a song by Rob Thomas. I kind of like this song when it came out and I never understood it until I watched the video and read the lyrics.

"She'll be alright

Just not tonight"

My tip for everyone trying to understand someone with anxiety or panic attacks, you don't have to understand, just be there for them. Don’t judge, don't say get over it or stop whining. Just be there, be a friend, a loved one. Someone for them to look at and know they can just let go and cry or freak out but let them know they are loved. I love you all!

9 images to understanding anxiety and panic attacks

MOVING ON

What's up guys! Been about 3 weeks since I have last wrote on here and when I did it was heartbreaking. Here's an update, me and my mom, talking like nothing happened which is awesome but now the dilemma. The other part of my family that I have known since birth and have been around almost 24/7 is now out of my life. The reason why is well, no one decided to contact me that my cousin was home form Afghanistan. Now let me ask you this. If let's say you know a loved one is over there working as a contractor and is gone 6 months at a time and they came home wouldn't you want to know? Yeah well me and my mom were never told. I didn't know until he landed back overseas. I brushed it off like OK whatever, then when I saw my mother found out, that hurt. So for valentine's day Bill gave me a promise ring to show his appreciation towards me (yes it was a tearful, and joyful moment over breakfast) anyway, instead of my aunt picking up the phone she texted me saying "Congrats you're a great person yada yada yada oh btw still haven't heard from your mom." Well that right there seems like she wants to spark up a conversation about it. I'm not going to go into it but I basically said you know this involves 2 people, someone pick up the phone. She didn't like that very much. Fast forward the starting of this month and I still haven't heard anything from this part of the family that has promised to keep in touch with me and all of a sudden my Facebook is being watched by a cousin who was relying everything I was saying to said aunt and then they commented for me to take something down that I said about another cousin, who really isn't my cousin.

Stick with me I know you're probably like Oh my god Jamie, let's go! Well hold on.

So after texting my cousin and saying "Well you know what I'm just done. My facebook is mine and I can say whatever the hell I want to say on there." A lot of my friends know I treat it like a diary. I don't post anything like I see all the time like oh this is a hoax, this is fake, I hate Obama, no I post about my life and if anyone has a problem with it, it's called the delete button. Just hit it and poof that person is gone. Just like I did with those family members. I know some of you are saying "Come on really? It's not that big of a deal!" Well it is. To me. Get over it. Like I said, I can say whatever the hell I want, even on here. This is my blog. I can post what I want. It's your choice if you want to read it. No one said read it. No one said you had to click on the link. You just do or don't. Now this whole thing did hurt because I have five little cousins that I love dearly. I miss them like hell too and it was kind of sad not going to one of their birthday parties this past weekend. She didn't deserve that but I can't go over the house knowing I will be questioned and stared at. That's not something I want. So yes, I can delete people out of my life if it makes me a better person.

Well here it is a whole week or so later and I'm fine, yes I did wake up in tears on Saturday because I had a dream about one of the girls, not a bad sad dream but just showing how much I will miss. I mean I wanted these kids in my wedding when I get married. Now I won't have that. I'm not surrounded by little kids anymore and I miss it. I mean I used to babysit and change these kids diapers, now there is nothing. I took down the pictures I have of them at work because it just made me more sad whenever I would look up and seem them, or if there was a tour and a group of people would stop by and say "Oh are these your kids?" Nope they are gone. The only pictures left are of my cousin David and his dad and his baby, then pictures of my, mom, Kevin and dad, even my grandparents, Walter and Bill as a 5 year old. He was so cute!

Will this take some time? Yes. Does it and will it always hurt? Yes, but just like I told my mother on the phone. I am happy with my life right now. I'm happy with the man I have in my life making me happy. I'm thankful for his family. I might be sad but I will remember the good times that were had back then. Now I'm looking at the future. My dad going through radiation for the spot on his wrist and knowing that he will be OK and live. My brother is growing up. I cannot believe he celebrated his 22nd birthday in January. It makes me miss everything that we used to do before we both moved out. *sigh* The good times. Well that's it foe this before I start babbling about pointless stuff :-)

This feeling inside

I can't hide this feeling inside anymore. I miss my mother. Some of you know what happened on Christmas eve and some don't. Basically it was the worst day that I have had to where I couldn't stop crying....Before I go on, no, my mom did not die. She just disappeared from my life. You see if anyone knows me and my mother we were always doing stuff together. Shopping, getting our hair done, or just hanging around her house or over my aunts. Well we haven't done any of that. I really don't want to get into what happened because it just seems the more I talk about it the more hurt I am. This morning it just hit me all at once. And believe me making eggs this morning was hard...and eating them when you're crying the way I was. I just feel like I'm making moves in my life that I should be talking to my mom about and she's not picking up the phone. I can't go over her house because she's asleep during the day and I work every weekend so by the time I get off she's asleep. I know it's only been about a month and some days but still, I'm so used to getting phone calls every other day or weekend to see how I am or to see if I want to go to lunch. Now it's nothing but silence. I can only keep it in for so long. This morning I woke up fine but then this...feeling just came over me to where I didn't want to get out of bed. My best friend is getting married in June and I want my mother there to watch this magical moment. And to also have a good time but I feel as though I will be alone. Sure I'll see friends but it's still not the same. Your mom is supposed to want to check up on her child no matter the age or time of day. Your mom is supposed to be there for you when you need her. Your mom is supposed to hold you or tell you that everything will be ok when you cry. No. I'm sitting here in my chair at work trying not to cry because I just feel like a piece of me is gone. Some I know have physically lost their mothers and I'm sorry. Really I am. Your the ones probably going "Well at least yours is alive." Look I'm just saying this is hard for me. If my mother died I don't know what I would do or how I would act. But I'm trying to hang on to her for as long as I can and it seems she's slipping from me just because something so stupid and childish. The people that live with her I know are family but it's their fault any of this happened. 

  I've been having dreams and visions of getting married and not having my mother there to see me. Or to see how happy I am with this wonderful, wonderful man. Bill is there for me and I know but still, nothing is like having a mother who will be there, because she was there in the beginning. When you were conceived. She felt you kick her, hiccup and move in the womb, then grow with you as you aged to an adult.

What breaks my heart is that I promised my mother that I would have a relationship with her all my life. My grandmother was sick for years and years and my mother never had a relationship with her until she was in her late 30's. I don't want that. I don't want to just show up whenever. I want to always be there. But how can I when I'm being pushed in the back? The last time I talked to her was 2 weeks ago about my W-2 and when I informed her that I had everything taken care of, she said "ok I guess I don't need to give you money then." and then click. No, "bye, love you jammie's" just a click.

If your going to leave anything hateful on this or in the Facebook post just don't. I don't need the negative shit from anyone.