Living

Typing.

Backspacing.

Type again. 

Back space again. 

This is what I have done in the last hour. This is going to be a hard post to write because it isn't about me. And although I love myself, someone who is so dear to my heart, doesn't. I won't go into details but I need to say this. Don't ever think you can't talk to someone about what is going on in your life. Or your head. I got a text from a very, very special person this morning. They...almost ended their life last night. The one thought that ran through my head was, and I quote the exact words I said as I ran out to my car. "What the fuck is going on?" I still have no words for how I feel. I mean I feel sad, but I'm also feeling...anger. Not anger towards them, no. I could never be angry at them. I could never be mad at them. I'm angry because there seems to be no help for the mentally ill. I'm mad that there isn't enough help available for people who feel they need to end their life. I'm mad that...I haven't been there for you. I'm so, so sorry. I've been trying to find the words to say but it's hard. Like now, I've had 4 different versions of this post and have deleted it all and started over and over again. A part of me has wanted to just say forget it and don't post anything, but I can't. Here is a personal note from me to you. It's easier for me to write it down than it is for me to talk it out.

Dear You,

You are fucking special! You have a purpose in this world. I could never be mad at you. I could never yell at you for being selfish. If anything I praise you. You are at a constant battle with your mind everyday and still manage to get yourself out of bed and go to work, or school. You might have had one weak moment, but guess what? You're still breathing. You're still walking the earth. You're fucking alive! I don't want to hear that you're sorry. Do not apologize to me. If anything I need to apologize to you. I'm sorry I wasn't around when you really needed someone to talk to. I'm sorry for not checking in with you. I'm sorry I haven't made an effort to be around you. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry that you feel that you can't talk to me. I'm also sorry that you have some shitty people around you, telling you to "Get over it" "Smile" "Some have it worse than you"

Hear is my advice. Fuck them! Cut them out of your life. My heart is hurting so bad because you almost chose a path I cannot follow you down. I am sad because I almost lost another friend. 

You are an amazing person. Notice I said ARE and not WAS. You're still here. I know you're not fine. You're not okay, you're not even great but you are ALIVE. Know I am here now. I have heard your pleas and cries. I have seen that mental illness is nothing to be messed with. If you need a shoulder to cry on, wet it with your tears. If you need someone to scream at, take it out on me. You need someone to just hold you, my arms are always open. 

I want you to make a promise to me. Promise that when you feel you are about to break, call me. Text me. Find me. Just tell me and i'll be there. I can help. And since this isn't a note I'm passing in class to a classmate I can do this.

This song has reminded me that there is more to life than the darkness of depression. It's rmeinded me to live. I want you to live.

Love you forever and always,

Jamie