Empty

A lot have been asking why my posts haven been sad lately. Well the truth is, I haven't seen or spoken to my mom is four weeks. The reason...well I really don't know. I have thought this through and through but there is no answer. I won't go into detail but it really was something so silly that I can't believe a solution hasn't been brought forward. Don't think I haven't made an effort, I have. Mother's day I waited at her house with flowers and a card, I even called her and left a message, but the longer I stayed the more my heart ached. I placed the flowers in a vase and drove back home with tears streaming down my face. Since that day, I haven't gotten a thank you or a call. Just radio silence. Pieces of my heart started to break because this was the first mothers day since I was born, that I haven't been with her. As the days go on my hearts breaks more and more. The hall where I'm having my wedding reception will be calling to book the date and I realize, I have to do this without my mother. I will probably have to do a lot without her planning my wedding and helping me financially. I broke down so hard on Saturday night I almost gave myself a panic attack. Now some of you think, "why can't you just save up?" well you see, I have always lived paycheck to paycheck. I don't have "extra" money. If I'm left with anything it's no more than $20. Which covers gas, if that. I keep seeing all the things that are supposed to be filled with happiness, like trying on my wedding dress, finding the veil and shoes to go with it, is now filled with sadness. I have people who will go with me, but there is no feeling finding that "perfect" dress and hugging your mom because this day is going to be special. I don't see this happening. I've made my move, it's her turn, and I feel it won't happen anytime soon. It's bad enough I don't see or talk to the other part of the family since Christmas of 2013. I feel as I have a broken family and I don't know where I belong. Everyday feels like a struggle. A struggle to keep a straight face. A struggle to keep a smile. A struggle to not cry. A struggle to stay positive. The only happiness I have going on is Bill and his amazing family. They make me laugh when I need it, and I am so grateful for them. But, it still isn't the same as having a mothers arms wrap around you and tell you she loves you. It's an empty void that no one else can fill.

This mothers day made me think, "Is this what others feel like when their mothers pass?" even though mine is still living? I just feel lost and don't know what to do and I can't keep putting myself out there to be shot down. Some might be looking at this like "you must have done something wrong, just keep thinking," no you don't understand, Bill was there for the whole conversation and he can't even see what the problem was. My brain hurts and my stomach is in knots.

I hope that this explains at least some insight to how I've been acting, or not showing much interest in things. Just know I am OK in a sense of just being alive and having the little bit of family that still talks to me and friends for days. I love each and every one of you guys! It's just hard right now and until something else happens, I will be in a funk.

Love and smiles,
Jamie