Fear is in everyones life. Its what happens when you know something bad is going to happen or think it will. I don't have a lot of fears but I do have them. Like, I'm scared of the dark. Yes I know childish but I am. My mind comes up with scary things and I get this feeling someone is watching me or walking around. Just like when you turn off a light and you run up the stairs so fast because you think someone is behind you? Yeah that feeling so I get up and turn on the light. Now if someone is in the room with me I don't care. Another fear is messing up. A lot of you know I have a new relationship with this awesome guy Bill. Its pretty new and we're still getting to know each other but there is still that part of me where if I say or do something wrong then it will crumble. Im scared because I have never been so happy in my life. I didnt have to fight for this, and I don't have to fight to keep it either. But there is still something inside me that likes to poke at me and say 'hey don't do that' or 'if you do that he'll leave you.' See what I mean? We've had little conversations where I was getting frustrated and wanted to scream but then I thought about it and was like what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I'm battling with my old self and with who I am now trying not to mess up. You see with my ex I was taught to keep my mouth shut. I didnt want to speak out against him because he would get so pissed and start screaming and throwing shit around, which would be my stuff ending up broke. Is this what a battered woman feels like after leaving the abuser? Feels used, scared, even defeated? I know I'm happy and I feel it, people say they see it too but the old scared me still comes out and starts pushing the happy me away. Bill is a great guy. I think the memory that will stick with me forever will be when he bought me that half melted ice cream sandwich. Something so small yet a big part of my life changing will forever be with me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am happy. Very happy but pieces of me still need to be swept up, cleaned and glued back on to make me whole.
