Enough

Just like the title, enough is enough. Last night it dawned on me that enough is enough. Enough of the whining, bitching and just all of it. I'm fucking done. I'm done trying. I'm done searching for something that won't come my way for at least a while. Am I still talking to a certain someone? Of course I am and it's here and there and a little up there. I'm down one minute and then I'm up. I have a high school friend who keeps telling me "just do you." Well if he only knew how hard it is for me. It's weird to go back into the ocean after being caught, scaled and fillet. I'm being thrown back in there with all my walls up to where I'm just floating and waiting to sink into the rush of life. Like I said it'll take me a while. I'm apologizing in advance for the way my attitude is towards some people. If I come off as a mean person, just know I'm not. I'm actually pretty sweet and will probably be the sweetest person you will meet. I smile at almost everything even if it's the dumbest line I have ever heard. I'm actually laughing right now b/c I just thought of something stupid. See, I get better everyday. Maybe the inner me, the one that's been sitting in a corner lifting her head up every now and again is starting to stretch and get ready to run and burst open the door that has grown cob webs. I'm sorry for all my metaphors and what not, I've never really said any of that kind of stuff now but maybe that's another thing. I used to write all the time when I was with Pat and I knew the plot who went where and did what and now I have so much shit piled up and I don't know where to start. I just talked to a guy who works in the warehouse and he told me the same thing, stop fighting with myself and find a hobby. Even if I found a hobby I need to just stop fighting with the bitch that is me and set myself free. after writing this post I realize I love blogging. I love telling people even if they are strangers what's going on in my life. I am an open book, and i will tell you anything you wanna know, all you have to do is ask. If there is a way everyone could post questions and I'll answer them. I have to and I want to.

Have a lovely day!

What to do.

I seriously don't know what to do. I'm up one moment then I'm back down again. So much has happened this past week. First the whole thing where my heart is shattered.  Then I go over a friends house to hang out and yeah stuff happened that shouldn't have on Wednesday night. Then Thursday was a good day. Friday was a good day. Yesterday was an OK day and today. Sunday just seems to always happen. I was never contacted by the "friend" just to see how I'm doing so I feel used and like shit from that. And now I'm getting the cold shoulder again. Seriously is it something I'm doing? That just says "Here. Use me. My feelings don't matter." Or is it something I'm not doing. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of thinking everything is OK. Its not fucking OK! I hate having my emotions played with. You think it doesn't hurt. Well it does. It fucking sucks. I put my heart out there and it gets smashed again. If your getting tired of reading my posts of Facebook status then fuck off. No one said you had too and just delete me. I look at my blog and Facebook as a way for me to cope with shit. This is my source of therapy. I was offered a ride to go see family I haven't seen in years and I am so excited to finally see my one cousin who is like a brother to me. He would fight for me and worries when I'm down. I think this state is just bad. If I could pick up and move away I would just so I can stop crying over everything. Some say I'm not over Pat and it pisses me off when they then say well then why are you crying? Here you wanna fucking know get ready. As I said before I am in love with someone and he knows it. A lot of people know how my feelings are for this guy. I want so badly to show him but I cant. He's currently not in this state. He's bettering himself and I'm proud of that. He chose to go to school and has awesome grades. But my heart breaks when I can't talk to him before bed or if I'm ever bored or just to hear his voice. I want a relationship with this person so badly but I don't know what's holding us back. We agreed to it and what not but I feel like I'm missing something. What it is I don't know. But just no this, I am over Pat, I am. I haven't thought about him unless someone brings him up but the thought never stays for long. I don't want to go back to him. That would be committing suicide. I wasn't happy...and yes I'm not happy now because I keep putting myself out there, opening up and just like that I'm left to pick up the pieces of me. Half my heart half my mind. The thoughts that are running through my brain aren't good ones. No I'm not going to hurt myself but its where I'm about to just shut down completely. I wish there was a humanity switch where I can't feel hurt anymore. I can be numb, but these feelings for that one person on weighing on my heart. If that person is reading this, listen. If you don't want this then just stop talking to me. Let my heart break and be done with it. Let me just shatter whatever is left inside of me. You say you will always worry about me, well where were you today? Or last night? I have never cried so much over a person. Come to think of it I haven't cried like this over someone since we dated in high school. What else do you need from me? I was ready and either you're not or your scared. Which is it? Please just talk to me. Tell me. I can't look at you and see what's going on in that noggin of yours. I asked you if you love me and you replied yes I love you. Then show it. Show it or break my heart for good and don't look at the bloody mess trailing from behind you. Twist that knife a little deeper and leave it there. You either walk away because lord knows I can't walk away from you.

A new beginning

So I have been home a full week and see that I missed talking to my mom. I missed talking to anyone I want and I missed me. I think this wek has just been full of nothing but love and support. I wanna thank every single person that talked to me directly, texted me, or just comented on my facebook. Thank you to everyone. This week was to really find out for myself if I really did live Pat, and what I found out was I didn't love him like he needed me to. When you wake up in the morning and you see your significant other isn't beside you, you should want to care where they are but here's the thing. I didnt. I woke up. Went to work and came home and didnt even worry what he was doing. At the point I was like okay. Like I told him my heart wasn't in the relationship.  Now don't ask me for how long but I think its been a long while since my heart left. And with that maybe my brain left too afyer having it screaming and yelling at me and said fuck you. You figure it out. Bye....but now I can talk to whoever. I just talked on the phone for a straight hour to another guy who is just a friend. I haven't been abke to do that in so long. Now don't sit there and think I'm ready to jump into a relationship,  I'm not. Im just sayi g I couldn't talk to anyone let alone a guy without being questioned on why. Anyone that knows me knows I'm a social butterfly and will talk to whomever. I guess I'll leave it at that. I'm pretty tired and my friend didnt call me for my nightly chat so off to bed I go.

Night!!!

The end

So today I left my boyfriend of almost 4 years. It would have been that long next Sunday the 21st. There has been a lot that brought it to this. If you read my post serious talk...seriously then you would get some idea what I'm talking about. Today was just enough. After being told I'm a bitch, a lesbian because my good friend is a girl and I talk to her o and apparently I cheat everyday. Today was just, it was bad. I cried. I cried like the pathetic person I have turned into. And you know what he did when I tried getting my stuff to bring to my moms house? He showed me a kindle paperwhite thinking if and when I saw that everything would be okay. No. Its not okay. I can't even finish this post b cuz I am just done.

 

Okay I think it's time to update this. Last night was the first night I went to bed without hearing an I love you, or getting a kiss before closing my eyes. Did it hurt? Hell yes it did. It hurts to the point I was gripping onto my couch because I just needed to squeeze something while the tears fell. I do love Pat, I probably always will but I had to walk away. I walked away from all the hurt I have been getting for four long years. It was the biggest struggle of my life. First being cheated on twice with two different people then to the whole his anger getting the better of him and taking it out on me. I grew numb and ran on autopilot. If he would say I love you, my immediate reaction was to answer I love you too. He told me that he was just trying to piss me off so when I got home he could show me what he got me for our anniversary and like I said up there, it was a kindle paperwhite. What's going ot happen if he can't return it? I don't know. I went to his house to get some of my stuff for the week and he was begging me not to leave but I knew I couldn't back down this time. That if I just hug and kiss it away then maybe everything will be fine, but I have to keep telling myself it's never going to be fine. I will always be questioned about my every move. Where I'm going, why am i talking to this person or why did I do that? I gauged my ears to a bigger size and he even threw that in my face saying someone put me up to it. Uh do you not see where my part time job is? Of course I'm going to gauge up. My full time job allows it so yeah if i can have it I'm going for it. Will I ever give him another chance, I don't know. I don't even have the strength to move my status to single on facebook because then it's all real. I still have a full dresser and zip up closet full of stuff and I can never get it b/c knowing him he'll tell me he'll leave me be and then storm in and think he can talk me into staying. I kept seeing myself saying fuck it and grab all my stuff and drive the two blocks to his house and just curl up next to him, but I didn't. I cried. I cried real hard to where I was hyperventilating. I had no one to calm me down, but sleep found me for a while and I was okay. This morning when my alarm went off, i didn't wanna get out of bed but then I remembered I have to show that I'm moving on, yeah I can pout but I have to at least make an effort. When I was leaving a white butterfly flew right in front of my face, then i noticed there was four of them. Now me and my mom believe in angels and signs and I believe this is my sign that they are watching me and saying everything will be okay. My friend Tamara sent me something today about a white butterfly.

 

A white butterfly normally symbolises peace and a certain change that occurs rapidly. It can also be used to symbolise rebirth, evolution, commemoration, lightness, time and soul. They are known as symbols of transformation due to their impressive process of metamorphosis.

 

I told her don't make me cry, but then I remembered a while ago asking God, if this is the way my life is supposed to be then send butterflies, but if not send birds. Since then I haven't seen anything until this morning. Those four little white butterflies. I almost cried and so did my mom. I believe they are my grandparents, uncle and friend Walter. Even if they are someone else oh well, I've been waiting for this for a while now. So the real question is, where do I go from here? I really don't know. I'll go live a little, maybe stay after work and just ride the bike and walk on the treadmill. Get moving, I don't want to wallow in the sadness. I've done that for far too long. I will plaster a smile on my face until I believe I will be okay. Also I am very thankful for my support system of great friends. I didn't realize so many of you had my back and I thank you for it. i really do and I'm sorry for ignoring you and making up excuses for everything.