I can't hide this feeling inside anymore. I miss my mother. Some of you know what happened on Christmas eve and some don't. Basically it was the worst day that I have had to where I couldn't stop crying....Before I go on, no, my mom did not die. She just disappeared from my life. You see if anyone knows me and my mother we were always doing stuff together. Shopping, getting our hair done, or just hanging around her house or over my aunts. Well we haven't done any of that. I really don't want to get into what happened because it just seems the more I talk about it the more hurt I am. This morning it just hit me all at once. And believe me making eggs this morning was hard...and eating them when you're crying the way I was. I just feel like I'm making moves in my life that I should be talking to my mom about and she's not picking up the phone. I can't go over her house because she's asleep during the day and I work every weekend so by the time I get off she's asleep. I know it's only been about a month and some days but still, I'm so used to getting phone calls every other day or weekend to see how I am or to see if I want to go to lunch. Now it's nothing but silence. I can only keep it in for so long. This morning I woke up fine but then this...feeling just came over me to where I didn't want to get out of bed. My best friend is getting married in June and I want my mother there to watch this magical moment. And to also have a good time but I feel as though I will be alone. Sure I'll see friends but it's still not the same. Your mom is supposed to want to check up on her child no matter the age or time of day. Your mom is supposed to be there for you when you need her. Your mom is supposed to hold you or tell you that everything will be ok when you cry. No. I'm sitting here in my chair at work trying not to cry because I just feel like a piece of me is gone. Some I know have physically lost their mothers and I'm sorry. Really I am. Your the ones probably going "Well at least yours is alive." Look I'm just saying this is hard for me. If my mother died I don't know what I would do or how I would act. But I'm trying to hang on to her for as long as I can and it seems she's slipping from me just because something so stupid and childish. The people that live with her I know are family but it's their fault any of this happened.
I've been having dreams and visions of getting married and not having my mother there to see me. Or to see how happy I am with this wonderful, wonderful man. Bill is there for me and I know but still, nothing is like having a mother who will be there, because she was there in the beginning. When you were conceived. She felt you kick her, hiccup and move in the womb, then grow with you as you aged to an adult.
What breaks my heart is that I promised my mother that I would have a relationship with her all my life. My grandmother was sick for years and years and my mother never had a relationship with her until she was in her late 30's. I don't want that. I don't want to just show up whenever. I want to always be there. But how can I when I'm being pushed in the back? The last time I talked to her was 2 weeks ago about my W-2 and when I informed her that I had everything taken care of, she said "ok I guess I don't need to give you money then." and then click. No, "bye, love you jammie's" just a click.
If your going to leave anything hateful on this or in the Facebook post just don't. I don't need the negative shit from anyone.
