The dark cloud I call my Anxiety

OK so, over the past 3 months I have noticed that there is something very wrong going on in my brain. I didn't really notice anything until the whole fiasco that happened on Christmas Eve. Well the thing is, there is stuff that seems to be getting to me, even if it's the most smallest of things. I read an article that a Facebook friend posted about understanding Anxiety in pictures. I'll post the link at the end. And it really helped me. Now some probably ask why not go to a doctor and get a prescription? Well I don't want to be medicated. I don't want to be the one that takes it and then it gets worse, doesn't go away or I'm a zombie. No. I enjoy my life. Yeah I will never know if I don't try but I don't want too. My most recent break down was Tuesday. I have a function to go to in a few months and I'm happy but the problem is I have no money to do anything. I keep thinking to myself, how am I going to pay my bills and stay out of debt if I have to buy this, and that and that over there? I mean it's frustrating. The things kept piling on and on and on. My wonderful man of a boyfriend came over to me while still at work and saw the expression on my face. He knows something's wrong just by looking at me. He asked what was wrong and I just told him that I can't afford to just live and do this and still have a life, his response was to get out of my head and don't worry about it. Well, you cannot not worry about it. I'm trying to pay my car payment and insurance, internet, 2 cell phones and buying over $150 worth of groceries every 2 weeks. I've even considered getting a third job just so I have extra money. I was even given the opinion on getting a different full time job...well you see, I need certain days off right now and if I quit now and get a new job, you can't put in any vacation time until 6 months to a year, so that option is flying out the window fast. So there's how I get pushed to the edge. After work on Tuesday I ran to my car turned on my radio and put on my sunglasses. I was a snotty mess when I pulled up at my house. Didn't help that I was alone for a good hour. I needed someone there to calm me, but then again I didn't want anyone there because I didn't want to embarrass myself.

In the link I'm going to attach, it shows how people offer help and say they will always be there, then it shows after dealing with the problem 4 or 5 times they change their mind and just say to "get over it!" I got a bit of information for you, WE CAN'T JUST GET OVER IT! The problem either needs to run its course or be fixed IF possible. Believe me I've seen it up close to where people say "yeah I'm all for helping, but if you keep bitching and complaining then I'm going to tell you to shut up and move on." I used to be one of these people until I got a dose of it. And let me tell you, it's not nice at all. It's quite selfish. Now if you're saying "Oh my god how will I live without him/her?" or "I'm worthless" and all you want is people to feel sorry for you then you my friend are a selfish piece of shit! You are making the people who really do have a problem, seem like whiners and also make people like me think they can't go to a person for help.

After I came home and curled up on the recliner and just cried until I couldn't cry anymore (also hyperventilate) I calmed down and sank into sleep. Now just because I was asleep didn't mean that my mind was done racing around and trying to figure everything out, it definitely wasn't. No. My brain still swam with worry and different scenarios of what might happen if I don't do this and that. I'm not a very heavy sleeper and when I heard the door shut I knew Bill was home, but I didn't want him to know that my feelings got the best of me, so I stayed "asleep". I heard him put his work stuff down, put his keys and wallet away and make his way to me. I could feel him staring at me. Then I felt his lips against my forehead and heard him whisper "I love you." That right there was all I needed to make my mind stop racing. Just that little gesture was all. Now don't think "well if all you needed was a kiss and an I love you, you can get that anytime of the day" Yes I can BUT when you have anxiety, you get the feeling that no one wants to help. Bill really didn't know I came home and broke down. He will now if and when he reads this. I'm going to also attach a song by Rob Thomas. I kind of like this song when it came out and I never understood it until I watched the video and read the lyrics.

"She'll be alright

Just not tonight"

My tip for everyone trying to understand someone with anxiety or panic attacks, you don't have to understand, just be there for them. Don’t judge, don't say get over it or stop whining. Just be there, be a friend, a loved one. Someone for them to look at and know they can just let go and cry or freak out but let them know they are loved. I love you all!

9 images to understanding anxiety and panic attacks

MOVING ON

What's up guys! Been about 3 weeks since I have last wrote on here and when I did it was heartbreaking. Here's an update, me and my mom, talking like nothing happened which is awesome but now the dilemma. The other part of my family that I have known since birth and have been around almost 24/7 is now out of my life. The reason why is well, no one decided to contact me that my cousin was home form Afghanistan. Now let me ask you this. If let's say you know a loved one is over there working as a contractor and is gone 6 months at a time and they came home wouldn't you want to know? Yeah well me and my mom were never told. I didn't know until he landed back overseas. I brushed it off like OK whatever, then when I saw my mother found out, that hurt. So for valentine's day Bill gave me a promise ring to show his appreciation towards me (yes it was a tearful, and joyful moment over breakfast) anyway, instead of my aunt picking up the phone she texted me saying "Congrats you're a great person yada yada yada oh btw still haven't heard from your mom." Well that right there seems like she wants to spark up a conversation about it. I'm not going to go into it but I basically said you know this involves 2 people, someone pick up the phone. She didn't like that very much. Fast forward the starting of this month and I still haven't heard anything from this part of the family that has promised to keep in touch with me and all of a sudden my Facebook is being watched by a cousin who was relying everything I was saying to said aunt and then they commented for me to take something down that I said about another cousin, who really isn't my cousin.

Stick with me I know you're probably like Oh my god Jamie, let's go! Well hold on.

So after texting my cousin and saying "Well you know what I'm just done. My facebook is mine and I can say whatever the hell I want to say on there." A lot of my friends know I treat it like a diary. I don't post anything like I see all the time like oh this is a hoax, this is fake, I hate Obama, no I post about my life and if anyone has a problem with it, it's called the delete button. Just hit it and poof that person is gone. Just like I did with those family members. I know some of you are saying "Come on really? It's not that big of a deal!" Well it is. To me. Get over it. Like I said, I can say whatever the hell I want, even on here. This is my blog. I can post what I want. It's your choice if you want to read it. No one said read it. No one said you had to click on the link. You just do or don't. Now this whole thing did hurt because I have five little cousins that I love dearly. I miss them like hell too and it was kind of sad not going to one of their birthday parties this past weekend. She didn't deserve that but I can't go over the house knowing I will be questioned and stared at. That's not something I want. So yes, I can delete people out of my life if it makes me a better person.

Well here it is a whole week or so later and I'm fine, yes I did wake up in tears on Saturday because I had a dream about one of the girls, not a bad sad dream but just showing how much I will miss. I mean I wanted these kids in my wedding when I get married. Now I won't have that. I'm not surrounded by little kids anymore and I miss it. I mean I used to babysit and change these kids diapers, now there is nothing. I took down the pictures I have of them at work because it just made me more sad whenever I would look up and seem them, or if there was a tour and a group of people would stop by and say "Oh are these your kids?" Nope they are gone. The only pictures left are of my cousin David and his dad and his baby, then pictures of my, mom, Kevin and dad, even my grandparents, Walter and Bill as a 5 year old. He was so cute!

Will this take some time? Yes. Does it and will it always hurt? Yes, but just like I told my mother on the phone. I am happy with my life right now. I'm happy with the man I have in my life making me happy. I'm thankful for his family. I might be sad but I will remember the good times that were had back then. Now I'm looking at the future. My dad going through radiation for the spot on his wrist and knowing that he will be OK and live. My brother is growing up. I cannot believe he celebrated his 22nd birthday in January. It makes me miss everything that we used to do before we both moved out. *sigh* The good times. Well that's it foe this before I start babbling about pointless stuff :-)